Ode To The Age Of Potter

I realize with great sadness that it is nonsensically to write a blog about The Hobbit when it's still a week away, so I must resort to something else. I don't know what it is about the Christmas season that makes me want to re-read the Harry Potter series, but it happens every year! Probably because I started reading them when I received the first three books as a Christmas gift. Prior to that, I hated the stupid things. I actually bought book one the day it first came out, but it was for a birthday gift to my best friend Chris who was smart and liked to read and I was a dumby. I then spent several years mocking people that were obsessed with it.

When I got it as a Christmas gift and was extremely hesitant to read it until two chapters later when I began looking into legally changing my name to Harry Potter. I have become a life long fan. It is a tradition that I will pass to my kids, and I hope they will pass to theirs. I love the story, the characters, the message, and the imagination that pours from them. I know this isn't a timely blog, but I have always wanted to express my gratitude for these books, and I guess it's better late than never. If there are any of you out there who have yet to read them, I have taken the liberty of composing The Harry Potter Guide for Dumb Dumbs that you may peruse at the end. If you have already read it once or a million times, you'll still enjoy it.

Praise of Potter
Making a universal classic is difficult. It has to be able to transcend culture, age, and genre. Harry Potter is enjoyable to the adult, teen and kid. It has received overwhelming acclaim in every nation it has been printed in. And it doesn't matter what genre you prefer: you'll find something in these books for you (unless you only enjoy dry, non-fiction). Ms. Rowling succeeds because of five key elements. Character development, plots that twist and turn, an expansive imagination, narratives that flow and connect, and a standard cliche of good vs. evil.

Characters:
If Ms. Rowling excels at only one thing, it is her ability to create a plethora of remarkable characters. You have some that fit every stereotype in the book, some that match perfectly with someone you know, and some that are so wild that you can't get them out of your mind. Whether it's Sirius Black, whom everyone thinks is an evil murder only to weep at his death two books later, or Barty Crouch Sr., whose depravity you only learn of after his sins have caught up with him, all are intriguing. Personally (some may disagree) I think that Severus Snape is the most compelling character in the history of literature. I don't remember ever having more mixed emotions, ever hearing a more beautifully tragic back story, or ever having more respect for a character after his courageous farewell. Snape is Rowling's Sistine Chapel.

Plot Twist:
 Admit it, at the end of almost every book there was a "Wait... WHAT!" moment  in your mind. In every book! 1. Quirrell is the bad guy; 2. Ginny Weasley is doing it; 3. Sirius ISN'T the bad guy, Lupin is a werewolf AND Scabbers is a dude; 4. Cup is a portkey and Moody isn't Moody; 5. The "weapon" is a prophecy; 6. Snape is actually the bad guy; 7. Snape isn't the bad guy after all, he just loved Lily and Harry has to die! Yet, when you re-read them you see the clues were in front of you the whole time! You were just to oblivious to see it coming. The books read like a mystery novel with more action and excitement.

Expansive Imagination:
 Have you ever be this ticked off that a book wasn't real life?! I sure haven't! I, for one, will never acknowledge a scientific breakthrough again until they give me a flying broomstick! Even then I'm still lacking my wand, my hippogriff, and my Room of Requirements! In my mind, after Snape, Ms. Rowling should be most proud of the world she created. It made people of every age want to believe in magic and made the world realize the wonder that exists in books. No one has done more for the imagination since Walt Disney!

Flowing Narrative:
 I suppose some of the biggest criticism comes from the reading level. I'll admit, it's no Victor Hugo. But maybe that is what makes it so universal. Kids can read it and feel anything is possible; adults read it and remember what made childhood so great. The complexity of the thoughts does not depend on the sentence structure here but what the reader is willing to find.

Furthermore the flow is helped by the fact that everything connects. The deluminator barely mentioned in the first book plays a key role in the seventh, Tom Riddle's diary isn't really explained until book six, and the locket from book five doesn't finish it's story til two books later. Everything is interconnected and has a purpose which makes each new reveled secret that much more exciting.

Good vs. Evil:
  If you have ever read this blog before, you will know that I am a HUGE sucker for classic good verses evil, and this story is a superior telling of that. It teaches us people's potential for good and bad and that labeling someone as such is a gross mistake. It teaches the importance of deciding between doing what is right and what is easy (probably my favorite quote ever). It teaches that we are never finished fighting evil. It teaches that we have a choice in that battle and that choice does make all the difference. And it teaches that there is some good in this world and it's worth fighting for. (LAY OFF! I'M REALLY EXCITED FOR THE HOBBIT!) I will never understand how some people shun this book because of "witchcraft" because it is a beautiful parable for the faithful Christian.

So say what you will, in my mind the Harry Potter series is THE classic of our age. Now go read it again ;)

And now, I humbly present...

The Harry Potter Guide for Dumb -Dumbs

Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone:

We meet boy.  Boy is orphan. Boy lives with aunt, uncle and tubby cousin. Boy lives in cupboard because apparently Child Protective Services doesn't exist in England. Boy's life is miserable, and we all feel depressed. Turns out boy is a wizard but we're not shocked because of all the magic-y stuff on the book cover. We learn that Boy's parents were killed by a evil wizard with name we can't say; I suspect it's because it induces a fit of the giggles. No-Named Bad Guy (Voldemort--Giggle theory confirmed) tried to kill Boy as a baby but ended up almost dead himself, making him the biggest failure in the history of bad guys. Boy is told he's going to wizard school. Boy is told all this by Giant Oaf with low self-esteem (Hagrid). Giant Oaf will be the cause of more trouble for Boy at wizard school than anyone else, but they remain buds.

At school Boy, meets Whinny Red Head boy (Ron) and cute, Nerdy Girl (Hermione). They become friends. There's an Old Powerful Wizard that would supposedly give Gandalf a run for his money (I have my doubts) that is in charge of the school (Dumbledore). Boy is hated by Gothic Teacher (Snape) and annoying Rich Boy with ego (Malfoy). Main Boy evidently inherited the ability-to-fly-on-broom-stick gene from his father. Boy learns to play sport on broomstick that is really popular (because apparently with the fast array of opportunity that magic opens up, the most creative thing wizards could invent was soccer on brooms).

We learn No-Named Bad Guy is still alive and is trying to come back to power. We learn there is a stone that could accomplish this very task but Old Powerful Wizard (who possesses stone) decides not to keep the stone on him at all times but to hide it behind an obstacle course that 11-year old kids can get pass with relative ease. Boy and Bad Guy meet up awkwardly at the the end of said obstacle course, but Bad Guy can't get the stone without Boy's help, making the entire previous obstacle course superfluous and giving the realization that everything is easier when we just don't do anything. Oh well, Boy wins, Bad Guy is sent packing and Boy and Powerful Wizard have a heart to heart. Audiences instantly crave more.

Wow, let's see if we can be briefer with the next books!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

Author decides there aren't enough annoying characters in book so she introduces Obnoxious Elf (Dobby)
Obnoxious Elf warns Boy not to go back to school because of danger awaiting him and ends up nearly killing Boy several times to stop him from going back prevent aforementioned danger. For the first time in the series, audiences imagine brutally killing a character of the book. At school, Boy starts hearing voices. People start getting petrified (frozen in place) and I suspect Medusa is somehow involved. (Admit it, it would have been cooler with Medusa.) There's a new male teacher that acts like a twelve-year old girl, a tree that movies, but is not an Ent, and a flying car that somehow gains artificial intelligence.

The attacks start getting worse and people think it's Boy doing it because we learn he has the ability to talk to snakes and that makes you evil. Audiences realize they are morons because they don't piece together the snake talking thing with the hearing voices thing. Turns out it IS a giant snake that can kill by looking at you, but apparently students at this school are the luckiest victims in the history of violence. Boy tracks down the snake (without the aid of teachers who refuse to accept there is a monster even though this same thing happened fifty years earlier) and discovers that No-Named Bad Guy is behind it all. Using a diary, No-Named Bad Guy did some fancy magic that would allow his 17-year old self to come back to life. Yes, a diary, making Bad Guy not only the biggest failure but the most feminine. Boy kills snake and stops Bad Guy yet again.

Readers are now more addicted than most crack fiends.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban:

Audiences finally get some magical vengeance with Boy's aunt and uncle when Boy gets so mad at his uncle's obnoxious sister (one we'd like to meet in a dark alley ourselves) that he curses her and makes a run for it. Boy gets off scot-free though because Deadly Convict (Sirius Black) has escaped from the wizard prison and is hunting down Boy. Adults don't want to tell the boy this though because apparently being hunted by the scariest wizard of all time's side kick is more terrify than being hunted by the scariest wizard of all time Himself. New teacher shows up that was best friends with Boy's dad when they were kids but apparently that means nothing to New Teacher (Lupin) because he keeps a respectable distance from Boy most of the book. Turns out Deadly Convict was the guy who got Boy's parents murdered which was really naughty of him since they were best friends for, like, life.

Author once more tricks the world by reveling that Deadly Convict isn't a convict at all but is actually a loving Godfather. Actual convict was a rat hiding as Whiny Red Head's pet (Wormtail). This guy was the one who sold out Boy's parents and faked his own death and, because he has the ability to turn into a rat, hid that way for twelve years. Everything looks peachy for falsely convicted Godfather until New Teacher reveals he is a werewolf by turning into one and crashing the party. Rat dude escapes and Boy and Nerdy Girl have to do some fancy time travel (sans DeLorean) to save Godfather from being sent back to prison. Audiences once more picture brutally murdering a character, this time hateful gothic teacher who is strongly responsible for Godfather not being cleared and for 435 pages of unresolved conflict.

Readers are now dressing up as their favorite characters... for no reason other than the desire to.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:

Soccer on broomsticks goes international as wizards have their own version of the World Cup. Lots of creepy mysterious stuff happens there that all point to No-Named Bad Guy. We learn that Wizard Government and schools create games for 17-year olds with obstacles that are more deadly than the obstacles designed to stop No-Named Bad Guy from getting a stone in the first book. Boy somehow gets involved in the games but after a minute of shock and awe no one seems to really be surprised by it. People seem even less suspicious when 14-year old Boy outperforms the top 17-year old students from three wizard schools.

Turns out the whole thing is a plot masterminded by No-Name Bad Guy to get Boy to touch one item that will transport away from the school (because of course there weren't a thousand opportunities to get Boy to touch an item that would transport him away WITHOUT the elaborate superfluous plan). So Boy gets transported to place where No-Name Bad Guy is waiting. He uses Boy to come back to full power and suddenly the reader starts regretting he ever bad mouthed Bad Guy; he's not a failure or feminine... Please don't hurt me. Luckily Boy escapes... again. However, guy in charge of Wizard Government doesn't accept Bad Guy is back, and readers start imaging brutally murdering him. The war begins.

Harry Potter becomes more popular than Abraham Lincoln.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:

Well, it's been a while since the author has given us a character that we want to brutally murder so she over compensates by giving us the worst of them all: Mere-Death-Isn't-Punishment-Enough Teacher. The author instantly transforms her readers from run of the mill killers to raving psychopathic murders. We'll call her Cat Teacher because, like a cat, she thinks she owns the place and everyone around wants to kick her. Cat Teacher is placed in school by Wizard Government to punish Old Powerful Wizard for saying No-Named Bad Guy is back. Main Boy starts being possessed by Bad Guy, and we finally realize this stopped being a kid's series a couple books back.

Bad Guy is after a prophecy that tells about how Boy is going to kill him if he doesn't kill Boy first. We discover this is why Bad Guy tried to kill Boy as a baby. FINALLY!! He's willing to abandon all his clever plans to get the details. Boy sets out to stop him but inadvertently almost gives him exactly what he wants. Luckily for Boy, full grown evil wizards are no match for a group of 15 kids. Sadly in the process, Godfather (whom Boy has grown very attached to) shows up to save Boy and dies. Readers cry but only shortly because they are too busy being blown away by the epicness of Powerful Head Wizard and No-Named Bad Guy finally battling it out. Readers are left with more answers to secrets but taken no further in the narrative.

Reading is now officially an activity that is cool for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:

We finally learn that the reason Bad Guy didn't die when he tried to kill Boy: he split his soul in seven. (Readers are confused why we are supposed to be appalled by the fact that you have to kill to do this since we've wanted to kill at least 7 characters throughout the series.) Powerful Wizard and Boy use Bad Guy's biography to track down where these soul bits might be. They find one, but Powerful Wizard has to drink a potion that makes you whiny. Turns out it's a locket but not the one they need. (Thousands of readers think they are the only one to connect this locket to a locket mentioned in book five... you weren't.) Sadly in this weakened state, Powerful Wizard is killed by Hateful Gothic Teacher and the whole world pretends they don't know Gothic Teacher is still the good guy.

  Readers are finally rewarded as one of the most epic wizards battles ever is then described. And if any director ever chose to skip that in a movie they would go straight to the top of my death list. Watch your back, David Yates. Boy has to stop dating Whiny Red Head's sister after like two weeks, so he can hunt down Bad Guy soul pieces. Impending doom is foreshadowed!

People start offering their first born child to get early copies of the concluding book.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Pandemonium breaks out as No-Named Bad Guy overthrows the Wizard Government and pretty much controls the wizarding world. Boy goes into hiding with Red Head (whom we wouldn't be said to see die at any moment) and Nerdy Girl. They start destroying pieces of Bad Guy's soul. They find out that if they can get their hands on a invisibility cloak, a stone that brings spirits back to life, and the most powerful wand ever made they can be masters of death. They choose instead to just keep finding Bad Guy soul bits and lucky from them Powerful Wizard previously arranged for Boy to get all three items before he died.

Everything comes to an end at the Wizarding School when another epic battle commences. Lots of people die, we find out  Hateful Gothic Teacher was bitter because he never got busy with Boy's mom (but he's actually one of the coolest guys EVER), and Boy succeeds in killing all the soul bits right before he takes out Bad Guy. Everyone lives happily ever after, and readers wonder what they will do with their lives now that it's all over.

Popularity is so high J.K. Rowling could rule the world if she choose.

The End