Something Entertainingly Wicked This Way Comes

Let me just come out and say it: I was a sacredy cat as a kid. No, really, everything used to terrify me. Ghosts, the dark, the crazy lady that lived next store, sitting on the toilet and the possibility of a snake swimming up the pipes and biting my tush… you get the idea. I remember going to one of my first camp-outs and hearing my first ghost story. You may think it terrified me for life. But that is where you would be wrong! I sat sensibly with my fingers glued in my ears. (Of course, I pretended like I was listening… I gasped when I saw other people looking particularly scared. ;) It gets worse. As a wee lad, I was so terrified of vampires that my brother Keith would chase me around the house telling me he was a vampire until I would break down and cry uncontrollably. You may laugh at people who are scared of their own shadows… but that’s probably because you have no idea how quickly they sneak up on you. Beware!

Oddly enough, the second I hit my teen years my perspective on fear did a one-eighty. No, I wasn’t one of those kids who became obsessed with the macabre, but I found being in scary situations extremely exciting. We humans sure are weird, huh? It wasn’t long before the only things I feared were boring stuff like not finding a wife, and (well, lets be honest) no one ever gets over the snake-in-the-toilet fear. I found it vastly entertaining to be the cause of that harmless fear. Of course, this new interest translated into movies: making scary movies (with a funny twist) and watching them.

 I never became a fan of gore. You can try all day to change my opinion on the added value it gives to a movie, and I will ignore your words and pity your life. Real scary movies don’t need gore to terrify. It’s just a cheap trick that makes the mind uncomfortable. Because face it, you have to have slight sociopathic tendencies to feel completely at ease watching a body be dismembered in “creative” ways. I, for one, prefer the tension that builds with the music, the anticipation of not knowing what’s behind the next corner, and the shock of the unexpected. Combined with a truly cleaver narrative and a twist ending that deceives me, you’ve got yourself a die-hard fan.

Now, some of you may be wondering; “Hey, how can I scare my pants off so bad this Halloween that I can’t sleep that night but love every second of it?” Well, lucky for you, you're reading this post, and it just so happens to be a top ten list of movies (sans gore) that will make you pull out the night light. (Yes, I’m aware that for many of you that light is a permanent fixture.) You’ll find that many of them are old classics. This is because they just don’t make scary movies like they used to, and because black and white films already have an inherent creep factor. 

10. The Others

This movie's creep factor can be attributed to one thing: the old woman. There is a slight chance that someone reading this won't have seen the movie, yet so I won't give away the ending, but it is probably one of the best twists of the scary movie genre. The movie ranks low, though, because once you know the twist, repeat watchings become less and less entertaining. It's still a mildly scary movie though and is likely to make you fear the dark and crazy obsessed Bible beating Mothers... It's a good one for those of you who, like my wife, hate being scared after a movie but don't mind being scared during it.

9. Midnight Lace

This one I would say is probably only known to two or three people reading this. It stars Doris Day and if you don't know who she is, she might ruin the movie for you. However, there are truly creepy scenes in this movie. It begins with a women walking through a park during an extremely foggy day in London. As she's walking through, she hears a voice start talking to her about a scary amount of personal detail. Of course, the voice than threatens to kill her, and the premise of the movie is the repeated death threats from this unknown voice. But, oh my gosh, the voice... until you hear it you won't truly understand how creepy it is. I recommend you give it a shot if you're the adventurous type.

8. What Lies Beneath

This one doesn't really need much explanation. Yes, there is a slight gore factor in this, but that really does nothing to effect the feel of the movie. I love taking baths and this movie had the power to ruin that for me for about a month or two. Plus, who in the heck expected the killer to be Harrison Ford! Han Solo can't have affairs and then kill the girl... it's just wrong! ;) I think Alisa has put a ban on ever watching this movie, but I promise it isn't that bad if you've never seen it. Give it a try! ...but I am sorry for the nightmares.

7. The Wolfman

"Even a man whose pure of heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolf-bane blooms and the autumn moon is bright." OK, this movie isn't really scary... just so much fun! Dracula and Nosferatu are both scarier and superior films, but I'm a sucker for this one. The idea of a good man that can't stop himself from doing truly terrible things during a full moon is much more compelling to me. Plus, I just love the feel of this film: the black and white, the heavy fog, the cheesy mutation scene. It's not called a classic for nothing. For those of you who can get your hands on an edited copy of the new adaptation (Good luck! took me a year to find!), I can't say I'd recommend it, but I can't say I was disappointed either!

6. The Pit and The Pendulum  

Yeah, you remember this film... it's the one that they showed you in class that had pretty much nothing in common with the short story except the title. It's also the reason you had your first panic attack in school! This movie is the definition of the word creepy! I unfortunately missed the high school opportunity, so I only saw it last year for the first time. But I loved it! The scene where Vincent Price's character follows the voice of his dead wife down the secret passage nearly gave me heart failure! They can try a thousand different things in Hollywood today, but they'll never surpass the enjoyable creepiness of this one. Like I said, they just don't make movies like they used to.

5. House on Haunted Hill

This is pretty much proof that Vincent Price is the king of scary movies. Some of the special effects of this film have been so outmoded that it looks truly ridiculous, but that just makes me love it all the more when they do something that is scary even by today's standard. If you have never seen this movie, rectify that immediately. There will be a couple parts that make even the tough guys jump, but it won't leave you too scared to enjoy your nights rest. Watch it once, and it'll probably become family tradition! 

4. Devil

Poor M. Night Shyamalan, you destroyed your career so completely that most people didn't even bother to see this movie which redeemed much of your former glory!! There is no other word for this film... it is scary. Yes, there is a Mexican guy narrating that keeps spotting obnoxious and false facts about the devil, but that is the only downside to this movie. It's a story about five complete strangers that get trapped on an elevator, and one of them is the devil. Lights flicker, people die, and you scream. The ending... oh dear. I couldn't get it out of my mind for a week! It was so awesome! If your brave enough, see if you can handle it this Halloween! ;)

3. Psycho

It's a Hitchcock movie. Enough said! I could have recommended a hundred others (Dial M for Murder, Rear Window, Vertigo, etc.), but this is by far my favorite and the scariest. I really wish I could have seen this movie twenty years earlier so I could watch it without knowing the ending. This one, unlike The Others, just keeps better with each watching (even though you would know the ending). If you want to know how far society has slipped on the gore issue, here is you're proof. This movie once had an R rating and is now PG! Norman Bates is by far one of the creepiest bad guys ever written. It's just a shame they have to keep trying to remake great films!

2. The Sixth Sense

Yes, I'm aware that many of you don't qualify this as a scary movie. But most people claim they were terrified to go to the bathroom at night for a year after this movie came out. It is an incredible dramatic narrative, but it's incredible because it's so much more. It truly messes with your mind and makes you wonder, "What if someday I start seeing dead people?" Or worse yet, "What if my child had that ability?" It's all the more sad to think about Mr. Shyamalan's skill in this film because he had the makings of the next Hitchcock, and he blew it! Oh well, this movie is still one of the best films of the 21st century. Enjoy! And remember to not drink liquids before bed if you watch it! ;)

1. The Haunting

Please, PLEASE, do not associate this film with the ridiculous modern adaptation starring Liam Neeson and Cathrine Zeta-Jones. This movie is scary. It invented many of the camera tricks so heavily used in scary films today! The fact that it's in black and white just makes it all the more creepy. I first saw this at the age of twelve, and it was the first time I experienced physical pain from being startled so bad. Of course, I realize many people will mock some of the dialogue (the main character Eleanor is easy to mock), but if you read the book they stay extremely faithful to her character, and it makes her all the more creepy! Furthermore, you have to realize this movie came out just three years after Psycho! It's an older flick, but it's one that I absolutely have to watch every Halloween. It is by far the best scary movie without gore that I have ever seen! I hope you watch and agree!
_ _ _ _
While checking to make sure there weren't any better movies out there for my list I came across this dozy...
Watch it... if you dare! ;)
Harper's Ferry: A Ghostwalk With Alisa and Carl

A Pleasently Dark & Stormy Night

 I remember the first time Alisa and I watched a scary movie together. The movie was The Others if I remember correctly: not an overly scary flick, but it's got it's creep for sure. I use the word "watch" very loosely because I was watching it with her roommates in college and she was trying to think of every distraction she could to avoid looking at the screen. Unfortunately for her, she was doing laundry as one of those distractions, a task required her to walk in and out of the apartment several times. Unfortunately for me, I had no idea just how much she hated being scared. During one of Alisa's trips outside, I decided to have some fun and hide in a closet that she would have to walk by when she came back in.... The second I jumped out she screamed, but at the same instance started punch me and followed that up with a nice quick knee to my tenders. To tell the truth, I'm shocked we can have kid,s and I won't be surprise if Everest holds a grudge against Alisa for the violence she once displayed against him. ;)

I, for one, have grown up to love scary movies. Alisa, on the other hand, not so much. She is so great to me and tries to push her limits every year, but her imagination just wont let her go to far. Luckily there are tons of movies out there that we can compromise on for this time of year. So today I present to you a list of the top ten fun, scary movies that you can watch this Halloween season regardless of the audience. Most of them are old classics because, well, they are CLASSICS and it takes a long time to create one of those. Either way if you are looking to have so fun this Halloween season this is the list for you!

10. Casper

 Let's get this one out there first thing because it is probably the most cliche. It was a tie between this or Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters lost merely on that fact that it's great to watch anytime of year, not just at Halloween. I love the over all feel of this movie, especially the mansion used as the backdrop. It's creepy but in an inviting, adventurous way. Overall, this is a way fun movie to share with the family. You've got your humor, your ghosts, your happy ending... your Lazarus Pit--you know, the basic essentials for a fun Halloween!

 

9. Murder By Death

Has anyone heard of this one? If not, you should at least try it out. You'll either love it or love to hate it. You older kids will love it because it's got the genius of Peter Sellers. You younger kids may like it because it's got Obi-Wan Kenobi and Professor McGonngall. The movie spoofs older detectives; they are all brought together to attempt to solve what their host claims will be a perfect murder. The whole movie, especially the end, is completely ridiculous but still it's good for laughs and you'll more than likely be quoting it afterwards. Sadly, it may be harder to get a hold of. Last year it was on Netflix, but they took it off. You may have to apply your creative capacity for this one, but I'm pretty sure you'll find it well worth it! 

8. The Haunted Mansion

Now I know what your thinking, this movie didn't come any where close to living up to it's potential or the epic awesomeness that is the actual ride. Still this one is good for the families. To put it simply, it's cute. (Man, it's sad that I have to label a movie named after this ride cute...) I know some of the acting was bad, they weren't true enough to the ride, and it was steeped in oddly interpreted Catholic believes, but it does have redeeming qualities. First of all, the house looks amazing! You really have to hand it to the set designers on this one. I would be both excited and nervous to stay in a place like that. Additionally, the references they do make to the ride are fun. Plus, it must be at least a little creepy because Alisa claims it scares her. So at least there's that!

7. Young Frankenstein 

Yes, I know that there is a lot more adult humor in this one, but one can you expect from a Mel Brooks film? This is actually my favorite Mel Brooks' films. (Odd that it's the only one he doesn't really appear in) It's a thousand times better than his other attempt to parody scary movies with high anxiety! If you really want to appreciate this film, you should probably also take the time to go back and watch all the old black and white monster movies from the 40's. Can I just say I still crack up every time the horses whinny because Frau Blucher's name is said even though I have seen it several times. It's a fun classic to put you in the mood for Halloween!

6. The Private Eyes

 Okay, this is another one that many of you have probably never heard of. However, I am about to make you pity your childhood if you haven't. This movie is HILARIOUS. Most of you probably know the Knotts/Conway connection merely through The Apple Dumpling Gang, but I'm going to make the bold claim that his movie is funnier than that one. It's the story of two incompetent detectives that are called to solve the murder of Lord Morley. The task is made more difficult by the creepy and odd array of staff that work at the Morley manor and the evil presence of what is know as "the Shadow." Don't worry, it's really not scary at all, but the humor is not stop in this one. Seriously, if you are looking for a good laugh that will keep you in the spirit of the season, this is one you MUST check out!

5. The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

I think it is only natural that Don Knotts should appear on this list twice. This is one that most of you probably watched as a kid, but it has been a while, so you probably need a refresher! I, for one, wasn't introduced to this movie until just a few years ago, and I'm really sad I didn't get to grow up with it. The concept of the plot is actually pretty adult if you stop to think about it... guy murders his parents, frames the dad, then when a report tries to investigate the house the murder tries to discredit his name... sounds like something John Grisham would write! The humor on the other hand is pure gold for any age. Don Knotts is one of the best physical  comedians from his age, and he proves that in this film. It's a must see to for your Halloween season!

4. Boy Meets World: And Then There Was Shawn

 What's that you say? This isn't a movie? I could not possibly care less. This is a Halloween tradition that Alisa and I will never abandon! Neither of us are really fans of the whole slasher film craze, but we are obsessed with this childhood nostalgia. Seriously, I have been quoting this episode since the day it first aired! If you have never seen this, I feel nothing but pity for you. If you have, you need no more words ;) If some of you out there would like more show episodes, I'd also recommend Psych!

3. Clue

 I'm surprised that more people haven't seen this movie. It's a classic, people! I was actually nervous to show this one to Alisa in the first place because it used to scare me as a wee lad. However, when I finally did show her, I don't think she was able to stop laughing the entire last thirty minutes. I would give almost anything to see a modern attempt at this movie, but I doubt it would ever live up to the original. So if you are looking for a fun Halloween night here's an idea: stop playing the same murder mystery game you've gone through like fifty times just because you dropped 80 bucks on it, play a few games of Clue instead, and then follow it up by watching this classic. It's available of Netflix as we speak!

2. Arsenic and Old Lace

 Alisa and I were first introduced to Arsenic and Old Lace in play form when our Alma Mater (haha... man that gives BYU-I a lot of credit) put it on two Halloweens ago. We nearly died laughing... no really, they had to stop the play and call in some medics... OK, no, not really.  I then immediately found it on Netflix and fell in love. I was a little apprehensive to share it with Alisa because she isn't really a fan of black and white movies. However, she watched it with me the other night and loved it (although the Boris Karloff jokes did scare her a little ;) I think this is one of Cary Grants best performances. If you don't believe me, see for yourself. It is also available of Netflix!

1. Hocus Pocus

 I refuse to believe that anyone out there didn't know this movie was going to end this post. I further refuse to accept that anyone out there doesn't agree. This is probably the best Halloween movie ever and that includes movies that are solely designed to scare. Side note... do you realize how impossible it is to get this stinking soundtrack!? Seriously, the only one I've ever found is the one on Amazon that some dork is trying to sell for like $125!! You've been trying to sell that thing for like 5 years, ya weirdo! Give it up! Anyway, the movie is perfection. Literally when I think of Halloween this is the movie that I think of. It's so good I'm kind of sad that Halloween is only once a year!

The Sound Of The Boom

I will always remember with fondness two teachers that greatly influenced my life. The first was my fifth grade teacher. His image stands out vividly in my mind because he looked exactly like Santa. No, not even kidding! If someone had told me he actually was Santa, I would have replied with a sophisticated, "Duh!" He was kind and patient and best of all encouraged his kids in their passions. I'll never forget that at the time I just loved dinosaurs. So much so that I even created a presentation about them to share with my class. Enough though it had absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter, he set aside ten minutes at the end of the day so that I could share it. Yes, I was a weird kid, but he was a fantastic teacher.

Second in chronology, but not in favor, was my eighth grade social studies teacher. I'll never forget that he was the first teacher I was ever a smart-Alec to in class. But he didn't punish me for it, though he probably should have. Instead, he treated me like I was his best friend. He joked around with me and allowed me to do the same with him. Looking back, I don't think he treat anybody in that class the way he treated me; he treated us in a way that was best for us and EVERYONE loved him for it. I still remember the majority of the projects we did in that class and a surprising amount of the lessons he gave. He cared, he was funny, and he made learning exciting. Twice he spoke kindly of me without knowing I'd ever hear what he said. The first I was told about from a girl who had his class right after me. The second was to tell my dad how smart I was. I wish more than anything that I could find him and show him my appreciation today. 

Now that was an overly sentimental beginning to a review of such a frivolous movie, but I think it's appropriate. This week Alisa showed her love for me but letting me indulge in my costly habit of a trip to the movies. This week we choose to go see Here Comes the Boom. I don't think many people have heard about this movie and for those who had I guess there wasn't much excitement to see it. Alisa and I were one of the rare few that were actually quite eager. If you haven't heard about it, it's the story of a teacher who starts MMA fighting in order to raise money for extracurricular activities at his school (Ah ha! Now it dawns on you why I began this post the way I did!) ;)  

Some of you might not be swayed by my opinion, but I thought this was a great movie! Not only was it equally funny and inspiring, but it's one that almost the whole family can enjoy. (Your little bundle of joy, and Wilbur the pooch should probably stay home.) I can sum up what I loved about this movie in four easy to remember ideas: teaching, music, a quickly growing interesting in MMA, and humor. Now then, let's see if I can convince you guys to go see this flick. 

1. Teaching has always been a big part of my life. My service to the church over the past eight years has almost completely involved teaching. I love teaching. I suppose that is why I have chosen to make it a career. As mentioned in the beginning, teachers are able to change their students lives. But it is hard work; it requires the teacher's full effort, attention, skill, and passion. One of the messages of the film is that a teacher's biggest achievement is to inspire their students, and Kevin James' character goes to some impressive lengths to do that. This movie provides some beautiful lessons on the importance of teaching,

My favorite message about teaching from this film it's all on the teacher. We have a lot of issues with are education system in this country, and I don't think anyone would deny that. Having just sat in a meeting this morning about how to be an effective teacher (with someone who blamed everyone else for not being successful), I began to realize this lesson is even more important. We can try a thousand different methods and force every teacher to do the same thing, but teaching isn't a paint-by-number experience. Any teacher can be effective, regardless of the program as long as they give it their all. This movie is proof that government institutions can't fix problems; PEOPLE have to fix problems. If we want a good society we have to give it our all because we care. I hope it's a lesson I always remember when I finally have a class of my own.

2. One of my favorite quote from the movie is, "Without music, life would be a mistake." (Or something like that; you get the idea though.) The reason that Kevin James' character decides to gets involved in the whole MMA scene is to save the music program at his school. I don't care who you are, I really hope that music means a lot to you, regardless of what kind you enjoy. I love how this movie makes the point that music is really essential to peoples lives. To roughly quote John Keating, there are many professions that are invaluable because they sustain life, but music is one of the reasons we want it to be sustained. This movie provides a powerful (but not overbearing) message about the message of music. It shows that music can inspire a man to win, intimidate an enemy, help you learn, or just allow you to express yourself. Oh, and on a side note, some of the music for this movie is truly incredible!

3. OK, I'll level with you. This movie is almost the exact same concept as Warrior, but with a humorous twist (and no emotionally gut-wrenching family feud.) But it's those differences that make it an entirely different experience. Warrior introduced me to the fact that I love movies about MMA (mixed martial arts). It really is an incredibly inspiring sport, and I've actually researched that it's safer than boxing. (There are less repeated blows to the head and more submission holds that hurt but don't cause damage.) I guess I'm just a sucker for underdog movies. So when that inspiration is combined with humor, you really get an incredibly new experience. Plus it's less violent than Warrior, so people who didn't enjoy that aspect will be more satisfied with this movie. Additionally, it's super impressive that a comedian like Kevin James is able to do some of the MMA fighting he does... He's like the real life Kung Fu Panda! Oh, and for true MMA fans out there, you'll be excited to know there are real MMA fighters in the film.

4. Obviously I have already mention that this movie is funny but it deserves a discussion all its own. I was a huge fan of Kevin James in Hitch. The role was made for the guy. But other than that I have been disappointed by him quite a bit. Watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and I refused to even give Zoo Keeper the time of day because the trailer looked so bad. With this movie, he has totally redeemed himself for me. There were tons of extremely funny parts in this movie and what I loved must about them was how unexpected they were. Usually I can see a joke coming a mile away in a movie, and it's funny because it fits the situation. In this movie, much of the humor is so random that it catches you off guard. I was really impressed by that. 

Now with that being said, I do have to give a disclaimer. Some of the humor misses big time. It's still random but completely uncalled. There is some throw-up humor and that is something that always leaves a bad taste in my mouth (no pun intended.) Additionally, since it's a film for families, the cheese is thick enough to cut with a knife. Go in with that expectation, and you'll be just fine. Other than that, I really think you all will enjoy this film if you give it a shot. Go into it lighthearted and I can almost guarantee you will be inspired and entertained!

Taken To The Same Place

 Am I the only person to notice that movies keep getting longer and longer? Granted, some of the longest movies I can think of come from forty years ago, but it seems as if the tread now is reversing. As proof, look at the highest earns of the year. The top movies were all over two hours, and the rest were animated movies. It is becoming really rare to find an action or drama that is an hour and a half long. When you do find one, you've only got about a ten percent chance of liking it. I believe the reason for that is we live in the action of details and plausibility, and it takes a considerable amount of time to establish that and still keep the audience on the edge of their seat. The reason that I loved the first Taken movie was because it achieved this seemingly impossible feat.

Coming into the second I didn't know what to expect I was just extremely excited with slight apprehension. Perhaps I should have paid more heed to that hesitancy. Don't get me wrong the movie wasn't terrible in any sense of the word. I think someone on my Facebook described it best as... meh. It was decent. Liam Neeson was of course incredible and it's hard to believe he is still doing some of the insane fights scenes at his age. Furthermore, they still a good amount of scenes that keep you guessing whether they he will make it or not. But overall I wasn't Taken anywhere new, no pun intended! (OK I really meant the pun... it's my title for goodness sake.) And the scope just seemed... insignificant.

On the teeter tooter of life this movie is pretty much balanced between good and bad. Of course the only way to know for sure is to see it, but since it's only an hour and a half long I'd suggest only paying a $1.27 at Redbox rather than 10 something at your local theater. I will let you know that I'm going to mention some specific details of the movie but don't worry, it's nothing you wont see coming yourself. The movie is completely predictable if you saw the first. So let's take a look at what is on both sides of this teeter tooter that makes it balance the way it does.

 First of all, I really liked it as a continuation on the narrative of Bryan Mills. We get a closer look into what kind of man you have to be in order to have "skills that make (him) a nightmare for people like you." The little details they add about him waiting outside of his daughter's house until exactly 2:00 show the strict obedience to order that borders on compulsive is something the average person is incapable of. Also, am I the only one that hated the ex-wife in the first one for divorcing such a cool guy? Well, in the movie we get to see hints of that relationship being fixed which provided a nice bit of closure for us "hero-gets-the-girl" types. Plus, we learn that he isn't retired and wasting his talents anymore but putting them to good use and making some good money. I love that they don't try and paint the hero of the movie as having had a terrible life since his last triumph! He's a family man and you all know how important family is to me! (Yes, Albanian kidnappers, this is a warning right now to stay away from my son... otherwise... I will find you!)

Second, my favorite scene of the movie is when Liam Neeson's character himself gets kidnapped. I really believe that the guys who writes these films are just trying to make a "what to do when your kidnapped" tutorial and make people want to see it. It was really fascinating to see some of the techniques that can be used in that situation to keep you in control of the situation. Even more exciting is when we get to see Bryan Mills instruct his daughter on how to pinpoint his exact location. (Although I may need to watch the film again to get that technique down...) It was a nice reversal from the last movie that makes it feel like its own sequential narrative and not a repeating continuation. One thing is for sure, from here on out I'm paying a heck of a lot more attention to maps of the cities I visit!

Finally, I liked that this movie was a little less cringe-worthy. I'm sorry, I consider myself a tough guy but I don't think that requires me to get used to the sight of a man being tortured. I thought it was a slight on the character of hero in the last movie when Bryan Mills left a guy to be electrocuted death. (And I bet he is regretting that now too...) Plus, you had all the human trafficking that awakens you to the cold hard reality of life. So, I guess to sum up what I liked was that I didn't walk away having lost faith in humanity! So if you're a little squeamish, this one is for you! Unfortunately, all the pluses of this film are equally balanced with a negative.

Do we have any card players in the audience? You know what I love about card games? Wild cards! They are so great because they can be whatever you need them to be at that particular moment. If you need a 9 of diamonds, it can be just that. If you need a queen of hearts, you got it. Wild cards are great for card games. Sadly, the wild card doesn't translate well into stories. They just don't make any sense whatsoever. Unfortunately for Taken 2, that's exactly what they created with Bryan Mills daughter. If the script needed her to be vulnerable little girl, that's what she was. If she suddenly need to be Rambo in a bikini.,you got it. It may sound great until you realize... Hey, wait a second, this girl is a walking contradiction. The jumps from vulnerability to hardcore were ludicrous in the extreme. Oh, and how the heck am I supposed to believe that the girl who can't pass a drivers test suddenly turns into Jason Bourne behind the wheel the second her feet hit Turkish soil? I need a whole lot more shaky camera to buy that!

My biggest let down was the scope of the film. With the first movie, we had a slow escalation of tension as each ticking second lead to a more desperate Liam Neeson until finally it exploded in an exciting, though predictable, climax. We get none of that build in this film. We jump straight from building the scenario to action in seconds and stay at about that same level the rest of the film until we get to a (once again predictable) disappointing finish sans climax. (Sans means without for those that are confused.) Don't get me wrong, the action is entertaining for the most part, but you can only watch the same guy shoot Albanians in the chest so many times. 

The plot just feels small. From the moment the flame is ignited, burn time is only a matter of hours. In essence, it boils down to this: Guy gets kidnapped with ex-wife, escapes with the help of his daughter, goes back to save ex-wife... the end. If he had the foresight of putting ex-wife in ANY different location when he himself escaped, we would not have last third of the movie. You might say, "Well, the last film's plot consisted of girl getting kidnapped, dad getting ticked of, killing lots of people, and rescuing daughter." That is true, but what made it so great was the satisfaction of Mills exacting his vengeance in Count of Monte Cristo fashion but impromptu! Furthermore, in the first film Liam Neeson brings down an entire system of human trafficking. In this one... he stops an old man completely ignorant of the fact that his son was a D.B... When you compare the two... you have to wonder, is this really the best you can follow up with?!

**SPOILER ALERT**

**Seriously! Remember when you didn't heed the spoiler alert last time and it ruined the movie!!**

Last Chance...

Now I know I said there really wasn't much to spoil but if you haven't seen the movie I'm about to complain about two specific details: the ignorance of which will allow you to enjoy the first half of the movie a lot more. So I'd advise skipping this paragraph if you want to see the film.  First of all, the scene where Kim, the daughter, drives the taxi through the U.S. embassy road block. Really? The Library of Congress in National Treasure 2 had better road blocks! And no one had the sense to shoot the tires!? Of course, if they didn't that would end the movie... but really? Ridiculous! And secondly, not only am I supposed to believe that Liam Neeson has a hard time beating up a pudgy Albanian in a joggers suit who is a good foot shorter than him, I'm also supposed to believe they entered a Street Fighter competition in the middle of the movie!
Seriously, the second they climbed up on the raised circular platform to fight I was convinced the Mortal Combat theme would come on the loud speakers and Sub-Zero and Scorpion would walk out. (Actually... that would have been a more exciting twist than what actually happens.)

Some of you may think I'm going to complain about the fact that he is willing to let the old man go in the end. Actually, I was OK with it! In fact, I thought the most relateble moment for Bryan Mills was in that one moment that we see him exhausted and tired of all the fighting and near death experiences, not to mention how annoyed he is at having his family in danger all the time. I found it further plausible because he really didn't know much about this guy so he gave the villain a chance while not trusting him by a long shot. The down side? From the second he goes back to get his wife, I knew they were going to set up for a third, and I felt pity for the film makers. You've got no where to go from here, dudes. Who is there left to kidnap? Let it go. Here's hoping they come to their senses. ;)

A Villainous Time Of Year

It's October 1st, ladies and gentlemen, and we all know what that means. Halloween is less than a month away! I don't know why, the older I've grown the more I love this time of year, but it is quickly becoming my favorite. Maybe it's just because I love the fall, and I associate Halloween with that. Probably not though because I love the idea of scary movies, haunted houses, and ghost stories. So in honor of that, I have planned an exciting month of Halloween blogs that will hopefully get everyone in the mood for the holiday.

We begin today with a list of the most creepy, memorable bad guys of all time. Now remember, rated R movies are out, so many of you will be disappointed that your Jason's or your Freddy Kruger's, or your Michael Myers' are not on here. But face it, those guys are only creepy because of the gore. Plus, let's be honest, if they were included there's not really anyone that could compete with Hannibal Lector. Instead, we have a decent conglomeration of old baddies and new ones, some from scary movies and some from not so scary movies. I present to you villains that if you've seen them, will leave an impression.

I've taken the liberty of ranking them on their creepiness and their evilness for your convenience. Along the way, you'll get lessons on how to be a grade A villain. Yes, I am totally aware that many of you will still have your favorite missing. But we all know solution to that right! ;) I look forward to your well-structured responses in the comments. Now, let's get started with the creepiest time of year!

10. Fernand Mondego

Creepy Factor: 4

Evil Factor: 6

 Step one to being an evil jerk: be an arrogant, backstabbing, pile of deification.Count Mondego wasn't that creepy. If anything he was just easy to hate because he was so annoyingly evil. I know it's not the same in the book, but any guy that would send his best friend in the world to jail just so he could engage in "wrong-sided business" with his girl is pretty evil. Then to top it off he blatantly cheats on the girl, engages in murder and conspiracy to murder, and then attempts to rob and imprison the first guy all over again. (Even if he doesn't know it's the same guy.) In conclusion, this is the kind of villain you just love to hate and pray that he gets his come-unpins

9. James Moriarty

Creepy Factor: 5

Evil Factor: 6

 In case you didn't know... if a guy sticks a hook through your shoulder, hangs you from the ceiling, and then commences to sing opera and dance around you... HE'S CREEPY! James Moriarty isn't just creepy, he is also really evil. Not only in the movie but in Doyle's stories; the guy has his hands in every nefarious pot in town (make that in Europe.) Combine that with a genius equivalent to his madness and you've got yourself a good villain. A good sign of how scary someone can be is the fact that the hero who takes him down has to fake death to ensure his safety. Make sure you bring your supply of oxygen.

8. Queen Bavmorda

Creepy Factor: 7

 Evil Factor: 6

 Some of you young ones won't have a clue who this is, so let me explain. This lady is what used to keep us twenty-somethings awake at night. Queen Bavmorda is the evil sorceress from the movie Willow. Not only is she evil enough to sacrifice a baby to increase her own power, but she has the power to turn an entire opposing army into pigs. (If you can get yourself some evil powers, that will totally boost your villainous rep.) Lucky for us, she can be fooled by the most simple magic trick. But still, I challenge you to sleep peaceful after the climax scene of this movie. It reeks of creepy.

7. Darth Maul

Creepy Factor:7

Evil Factor: 7

 I'm secure enough to admit that if I see this guy coming my direction... yeah, I'm going the other way. A pretty important key to being a good villain is intimidation and covering your face in black and red tattoos. That will definitely do the trick. I know there are probably two complaints about this choice: 1) That it comes from the worst movie of the series, and 2) why not Darth Vader? Well, regardless of how bad the movie is, this dude is the one part written well. I mean, come on, this was the guy that took down Liam Neeson for goodness sake! And as for Darth Vader, he kind of loses his creep and evil factor when you see how whinny and annoying he was as a kid. I stand by this choice as one of the creepiest bad guys ever.

6. Mort Rainey 

Creep Factor: 6

Evil Factor: 8

 "'I know I can do it,' Todd Downey said, helping himself to another ear of corn from the steaming bowl. 'I'm sure that in time, every bit of her will be gone and her death will be a mystery... even to me.'" If you enjoy scaring the heck out of people this is a good line to have in your artillery. The creepiest part about Mort Rainey is that he is so dang likeable... until you find out he is a schizophrenic killer! A few rules when your up against a guy like this: 1) Don't call a person your trying to protect right into a perfect trap, 2) don't fumble with the keys! Get them in the dang hole and drive off, and 3) don't cheat on a guy and assume you can be best friends with him. Follow these lessons and you really don't need to worry about this kind of villain.

5. Maleficent 

Creepy Factor:7

Evil Factor: 9

Surprised? Well, you shouldn't be. This women is truly evil AND creepy. If you doubt me, just go back and watch. If you're unmotivated to take action just because of a silly blog you read, I'll make my point. You have here a sorceress so wicked that she is willing to kill a baby just for getting snubbed on a party invite. And she won't let that grudge go even after sixteen years! What can we learn from this? Firstly, that she controls the powers of evil and secondly... she must be really bored. This is a terrible combination. Beware! Try to mess with her evil plans and she'll go all dragon mutation on you. Plus, man, I hate that evil minion crow of hers.

4. Mola Ram

Creepy Factor: 8

Evil Factor: 9

 It doesn't matter if your too young to know who this guy is. He's the one in your worst nightmares. Capable to ripping organs out of your chest cavity with his bare hands and a creepy chant, there is nothing welcoming about this guy. Not only does he apparently worship the devil and live in one of the most bug infested spots on the globe, but he was able to momentarily control the greatest adventure of all time: Indiana Jones. With a smile that made his own mother run for the hills, this guy has intimidation down to an art. To make it just completely inexcusable, he also runs a child labor sweat-shop... despicable... just despicable. However, he is proof of what I've said about villains before... you usually meet really messy ends.

3. Voldemort

Creepy Factor: 9

Evil Factor: 10

 Okay, it's really hard to put this guy as number three, but it's really hard to maintain your creep credit when you've been beat by a little boy four or five times... once when he was a baby. Come on, dude, get your evil act together! It's a little embarrassing. Still, he did manage to arrange the death of the greatest wizard of all time, so that counts for something. Still the guy has evil marked all over him... no really he even has the ink of the wrist to prove him. But let's sum up the evil. He's got the face of a snake (least popular animal ever) and can talk to them. He split his soul into seven pieces by killing people. He's killed so many people he probably mumbles "Avada Kedavra" when he snores. His old possessions have the power too, well, posses others. He has his own personal creep squad (with a name twice as creepy as they actually are).  The guys so evil people won't even say his name! This guy is going down in history as one of the bestest baddies of all time.

2. Norman Bates

Creepy Factor: 10

Evil Factor: 9

 

 Has anyone reading this even seen the old Psycho? If not, you really really should. The creepiness of this guy just grows the more you get to know him. At first you think he is just a pathetic loser still living with mom and has really lame hobbies. Then you think of him as an accessory to his murderous mother. Then finally you realize, no, this guy is just a freak through and through. My one complaint with this guy is that I'm not sure that "psycho" is a strong enough word. Regardless, I guarantee that you won't sleep for a week after seeing the result of this guy's cross-dressing habits. Still, the guy loses a point on the evil factor when you consider there still is at least a loving son somewhere in those multiple personalities. Ugh... just thinking about it gives me shudders galore.

1. Joker  

Creepy Factor: 10

Evil Factor: 10

This list deserves a better class of criminal, and boy did this guy give us one. This villian, in my humble opinion, has the scariest motivation for evil ever. Simply put, there isn't one--he's just having fun. The Joker has been called a nihilist (the belief that there is no meaning in life), but this guy is beyond that; he is just wants to make the world burn and doesn't care about to have reason. To make it worse, the guy doesn't seem to want anything... at all! Everyone else on this list had some reason, something that they were trying to achieve or maintain. If a person doesn't want or need anything, you can't understand him, and you always fear what you don't understand. That, in essence, is why this guy takes the evil cake. The fact that someone could just shoot him and end it makes him human. The fact that no one does makes him terrifying. In the wolf pack of villains, he is Alpha and no one is brave enough to contest. Rationalize as much as you want, if this guy existed, you'd resort to zombie apocalypse survival skills. Stock up and wait it out, that's your best bet.