A Word Of Caution

 I feel lucky. In my life I have only seen a movie in the theater three or four times that made me wish I had the address of the director to complain. I feel like that's a pretty good record for someone who has seen so many movies in the theater. (Seeing movies alone is totally socially acceptable no matter what people tell you!) However, for those few films I really wish someone had said, "Wake up, moron! That movie is has Owen Wilson as a male model! Your pain tolerance is not the high!" So for fun, I thought I would start the year off with a friendly word of caution. I know, I know, some of you may be really excited about these films. But I've been there. I know the pain and misery it can cause ;) Just say no, my friend.

Hansel and Gretal:

 Actually, if you are the type of person who thought, "Hey, this looks incredible! I would totally blow ten bucks to see it!" you'll probably love this movie regardless of how terrible it is. It's as if someone thought that Val Helsing was the best thing that happened to the world, and we need another film like it. Only this time, have a more ridiculous plot line and lesser loved actors! I'll be honest though, I may Redbox this if I'm ever in need of a good laugh this year. And trust me... it'll get to Redbox fast.

The Host:

 How is this happening?! The world was free from the regurgitation of Stephanie Meyer, and now we have more of it?! Let it die, people. I'll admit it, I read this book with my wife, and it felt less awkward than Twilight. However, the story is pretty much Twilight: just replace the vampires and werewolfs with aliens. Sadly, opening day for this film will be loaded with Twihard moms (probably the creepiest invention since the comb-over) and little girls who can't date yet (some of them not so little). I'm weeping for humanity.

The Heat:

Wow, a loner cop getting paired up with a moron cop. Haven't seen this before... Sandra Bullock is even playing the same character from Miss Congeniality but only the part before Michael Caine made it enjoyable. And who the heck is Melissa McCarthy, and why is she still aloud to make movies? I want to punch a kitten every time she talks. In fact, avoid every movie she is in this year. Rather than waste money, "get yourself some ribs and some ice cream," stay home, and watch Miss Congeniality for the 40th time.

Epic:

 Pretentious title for a Fern Gully remake... Dreamworks, I had such high hopes for you. Furthermore, could someone please tell Beyonce she has never yet been in a movie that was successful or remotely good? Save your money, Fern Gully 1 and 2 are both on Netflix, I believe.

Smurfs 2:

I guess if they made a second Chipmunks movie, this was inevitable. Listen parents, the smurfs had their time, but it is not now! Not now when your child is trying to grow up normal and has hopes for rational thought someday. They may say they want to see this film, but if you take them your are crushing their potential for happiness in the future. Don't take them to this film! Do it for the children! The children!

Further Avoidance:

R-rated films: Obviously... Year after year, despite being the lowest earning rating in the business, the film industry chucks out more and more R-rated films. Sadly, it's starting to work. Stop the madness!

3-D movies you've already seen: If you've already seen the movie and more than likely own it... WHY ARE YOU PAYING MORE MONEY TO SEE IT AGAIN THEN YOU DID THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW IT?! This is why our society is in debt! You've likely seen the film enough times to quote every line, so get some buddies to act it out with you, and that'll give you the 3-D feel with out spending more money.