Fairest of the Fairest... in the Fair Land

I'm gonna go ahead and throw my man card right out the window at the beginning of this post. This one is more for frivolous fun and mockery rather than for impassioned conviction or deep-seated interest. Have you noticed how many adaptions of Snow White there are out there right now. I mean, holy heck, I'm starting to believe that that teacher from The Amazing Spiderman was right, and there really is only one story in all of literature. So I'm going to do everyone a favor and save you time by letting you know which of all of them is the fairest in all the land... To cheesy?... It was too cheesy, huh?

 Let's start with the worst first.

7. Snow White and the Huntsman:

 Why in the world did this movie ever see the light of day? I understand, someone had the idea of turning a children's fairy tale into a dark-action movie. I'm confused who told that person it was a GOOD idea though. It was probably the same person that suggested making Kristen Stewart the title character. I know what it was, the director wanted Kristen Stewart's facial expression (Yes, there's only one) of bemused confusion to match the audience's. I regrettably gave this movie the benefit of the doubt because of Thor and Charlize Theron. As a result, I sat through some two hours of terrible writing, bad acting, psychopathic cinematography, confusing uses of magic, creepy underlining philosophy, and a shame of a movie. Do not waste your time here!

6. Snow White: Fairest of Them All:

Hahaha! OK, bad joke. You probably haven't heard this made-for-TV movie anymore than I have (Actually, now that I think about it, I sorta remember seeing commercials for something like this when I like 15).  Either way it's probably still better than the a fore mentioned movie which-must-not-be-named.

5. Sydney White:

 Some of you ladies may be upset this comes almost right after the movie which-must-not-be-named. Probably because most girls love Amanda Bynes. I did like the movie. It was funny enough the first time through. But for the most part, I don't enjoy modern adaptations of classic literature. I guess we could call the magic mirror interpretation clever, but than we'd have to overlook the idea Mark Zuckerberg received the wrath of every girl at Harvard in The Social Network for doing pretty much the same thing. And that's just creepy... It was probably the funniest use of the "heigh ho" line though!

4. Fairest:

 Don't judge me! I know this is a book for little girls. My wife and I book swap a lot. I love reading the same things as her. So when my wife started reading Uncle Tom's Cabin at my suggestion, I reciprocated by reading two of her childhood favorites. This was one of them. I just happened to be reading it when the Kristen Stewart tragedy and Mirror Mirror came out. It also coincided with a trip to Disneyland and my wife watching Once Upon a Time. Your probably not gonna love this book unless at one time in your life you were or will be a 12-year old girl. I did think it was a very creative take on the fairytale though. If you liked Ella Enchanted (same 12-year old girl stipulation) you'll like this take on Snow White. It's not a movie yet, just a quick read.

 

3. Mirror Mirror:

 Pretty much from day one I heard nothing but negative reviews about this movie. Seriously, it was tortured more than Wesley from The Princess Bride. So last night, when my wife and I were foiled in our attempt to rent Man on a Ledge, we settled for this. I was shocked. Was it a brilliantly deep movie? Not at all. Was it a beautiful and charming retelling of a CHILD's fairytale? Yes! First of all, the cinematography, set design, and costumes were spectacular! The acting was what you'd expect for a movie designed for kids (I loved the seven dwarfs). The plot was endearing and fun and really--for such low expectations--I completely enjoyed myself. In a word, the movie is cute. Man, how long before I can apply for that man card back...

2. Once Upon a Time:

 I fought my wife for a while on this one, but I never had a chance against someone so charming and beautiful ;) It took me a while to latch on, but now I'm hooked. I won't go into the whole show, but just know it's got a Lost type feel applied to a Disney style plot. Since Snow White and Prince Charming are two of the most important characters, I thought it should make the list. I actually think romance wise they have the best love story. Acting and special effects are nothing to get excited about but, hey, it's a TV show, not a movie. My one complaint is in their modern-alternate reality the two characters become adulterous liars. Not a fan of that! But I do like their fairytale background.

1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:

Come on! If you didn't know this would be number one you should probably never come back to this blog again! It is a Disney MASTERPIECE. Consider this, it was the first full length animated movie ever, and there probably isn't a soul in America who hasn't seen it. If you can over look the creepy old lady/little girl voice (which is it?) of Snow White you really can't ask for anything more. I still quote lines from the dwarfs on almost a weekly basis. Just remember, "Women are full of wicked wilds." Even if you don't know what they are, you can still get um ;)